


What I Never Said

by drxpdead



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Cheating, Fighting, Fluff and smut and angst all wrapped in one, M/M, One Shot, blowjob, fancy words, lying
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-30
Updated: 2015-08-30
Packaged: 2018-04-18 04:52:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,088
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4692734
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/drxpdead/pseuds/drxpdead
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dan and Phil's relationship told through a series of rare words</p>
            </blockquote>





	What I Never Said

\--Sphallolalia (n.) - flirtatious talk that leads nowhere--

The bar itself is scruffy and worn out, filled with the smell of sweat and God knows what else, with people packed inside like gyrating animals. And the people themselves are no better. Dan has yet to find a guy in here who doesn't have the most unruly beard/mustache combo or some disgustingly huge tattoo covering their skin. And some just had downright nasty personalities, using oil slicked charm that reeked of desperation. 

But he still tries. Because while he may not be happy with admitting it, he's desperate too. There is no way he's spending another night alone in the dark of his flat, wishing for any kind of company, friendly or otherwise. He's craving contact, and he has somehow deluded himself into thinking he can find it in this cheap bar. 

There's a guy across the room, who's been eyeing Dan curiously for a while now. Dan notices, but he doesn't acknowledge it; play hard to get, he thinks slyly. It may be some stupid, movie cliché, but it works most of the time. 

And he's cute. The 'I have money but I like to pretend I'm a regular part of society by hanging out in dirty places' kind of cute, but beggars can't be choosers. And it's not like they'll spend more than a few hours together.

Dan takes another sip of the beer in his hand, leaning casually against the bar counter in front of him, trying to give off that 'look at me' vibe. He's sure his tighter-than-skin jeans do a good job with that. And sure enough, out of the corner of his eye, he sees the afore mentioned guy getting up from where he's sitting and making his way over. Dan keeps his smirk to himself. 

"Hey." The guy says once he's standing next to Dan, flashing an award winning smile. Their arms are brushing together, but Dan doesn't mind the contact, he's actually reveling in it. He glances over at the stranger, taking in his blond hair and green eyes, and smiles back. "I'm Ryan."

"Dan." Dan replies, reaching out his hand, and Ryan takes it firmly, and they shake. 

"How's your night going so far?" Ryan asks, raising a hand at the bartender and pointing to Dan to let him know he have the same. 

"A lot better, it seems." Dan answers, biting his lip suggestively. His heart is jumping in his chest at this exchange, and he can't wait to further it. "And you?"

Ryan tips back the bottle in his hand before answering. "Well, I think I might actually be leaving soon." He says, looking rather disappointed. But the look disappears and is smoothly replaced with one of mischief. "If only I had someone to... accompany me." He looks at Dan again, the hint of something promising glinting in his eyes, and Dan almost shivers.

"Mm." Dan murmurs, twisting his beer in his hands. "Sounds like quite a dilemma you have there."

"Truly." Ryan says tauntingly. "I mean, I think you might be- fuck." 

Dan stares at him, confused for a second. Then he notices that Ryan is looking past him, at something on the other side of the bar. He turns around, not seeing anything particularly noteworthy; no strangely mysterious people and no aliens that he knows of. But then he catches sight of another guy, a tall, much more muscular guy, who's seemed to have just walked into the place. And he seems to be looking right in their direction. 

It takes about three seconds for Dan to realize the situation he's in, and he curses his luck. Just when he thought he was getting somewhere...

"What the fuck do you think you're doing?" The new guy says when he reaches them, glaring at Ryan before turning to Dan. "Who's this twink?"

"Stop it, Logan." Ryan says desperately, reaching out and pushing against Logan's chest, trying to keep him from moving towards Dan. "Come on, let's just go home and-"

"Don't do that, Ry." Logan says, shoving Ryan's hands away. "It's bad enough you go whoring yourself around like this, I don't need you trying to make me feel bad for it."

"You don't have to talk like that." Dan cuts in. It's definitely a bad idea, getting in between other peoples relationships like this, but he hates people who disrespect their partner, no matter what they've done. There are better ways to solve problems without unnecessary name calling and general fuckboy-ness. 

"You really have no place in this conversation." Logan says crudely. By now, a few other people have noticed the small skirmish, and are watching like it's some kind of weekly sitcom. Dan fidgets under the attention. 

"Maybe I don't." Dan says hotly. "But I know damn well that being an asshole is not a solution to whatever insecurities you have going on in your head. He's a person, like anybody else, and he doesn't need you bringing him down like that. Maybe that's the reason he was talking to me."

"You don't have to-" Ryan says, but Logan interrupts. 

"Shut up." He says with another malicious look at Ryan. "You don't even know him." He says to Dan. "He was just gonna fuck you and leave, and you're 'defending his honor'?"

"Does that matter?" Dan questions, honestly astounded by this guys ignorance. "That doesn't give you any right to treat him like shit."

Logan scoffs, obviously fed up with this whole thing. Most likely he just doesn't have any response to Dan's retort. "Whatever." He says, and grabs Ryan by the arm a bit roughly. "Come on, maybe we can try and settle this at home."

Ryan looks back at him as he's pulled away, giving a thankful smile, and fuck, Dan can't help himself. 

"Fucking asshole!" He yells. 

And he can't even process what happens next, he just suddenly realizes he's on the floor and his jaw hurts like a bitch.

"Mind your fucking business." Logan hisses from above him, before leaving once again. Dan groans, cupping his face tenderly and wincing at the sharp pain that occurs. He can feel people staring at him, watching his failure, but he ignores it, trying to sit up. 

"You alright?" Someone asks, and Dan sees a hand practically pushed into his face. He takes it gratefully, letting the person pull him up off of the ground. 

The person is yet another guy, and Dan is finding himself quite wary of his attention. Maybe he would have better off staying home, no matter the itch under his skin that made him needy. 

But he glances over, and he can't help himself. He looks up and catches sight of the bluest eyes he's ever seen, and smiles slightly. He's always been a sucker for blue eyes. 

"I'm fine." Dan says with a shrug. "Just a small bruise, maybe."

"I saw what you did." The guy says. "With that guy, defending him and all that. It was great and all, but it really doesn't benefit, jumping into people's domestics like that."

Dan smiles guiltily. "Yeah, well. I hate douche bags like that. I just don't think he deserved it." He looks back up and bites his lip, giving the guy his best innocent-but-seductive stare. He can feel it again, the heat in his body that is insisting on feeling another, and this time it's a lot stronger, and he can't resist. 

The guy grins shyly, and god, if that's not the most adorable thing Dan can imagine. "Well, I can relate, I guess. Maybe he deserved it."

Dan laughs, nodding his head. He is almost shaking, and he hasn't even had any physical contact with this guy, doesn't know his name. But he's so very interested. "I'm Dan." He says, holding out his hand almost awkwardly, barely able to keep his cool demeanor. "By the way."

The guy takes his hand firmly, and Dan jumps slightly at the shocking heat of his touch. "I'm Phil."

\--Ustulation (n.) - a burning lust--

He's at Phil's place again; this is maybe the third or fourth time in the last two weeks, the two weeks that they've known each other. But Phil never questions it, because he sure as hell seems to enjoy it. 

It's always casual at first, despite the fact that they both know it won't be long. They stand in the kitchen, and Phil offers him a drink, or they sit in the living room and make comfortable small talk. 

He loves it. Dan loves the time he spends there, no matter what they're doing, because he likes Phil. Phil is interesting and easy to get along with, and they have some things in common. He's a friend, as much as he is a lover. 

At this point, Dan is being pinned to the wall, sighing heavily as Phil kisses down his neck eagerly, their bodies pressed together from chest to foot. He can't control the itch whenever he's around Phil, can't hold himself back. But neither of them seem to mind. Dan tangles his fingers into Phil's hair, pulling him back to his mouth and kissing him hungrily. He loves the taste of Phil as well, sweet and addicting, no matter where his lips place themselves. It drives him crazy sometimes, how much he longs for these moments. 

Phil grabs the hem of Dan's shirt, dragging him unceremoniously down the hall and to his room, pushing him onto the bed and climbing on top of him. Dan grins at the show of dominance; he really doesn't mind being taken over. 

His shirt is hastily removed, and Dan relishes in the feel of Phil's hands all over his chest and stomach. He leans down and nips at his collar bone, and Dan moans lowly, lifting his hips in desperate need of some kind of friction. But he's learned long ago that Phil is a tease and will push as far as he can before Dan breaks. It's a wonderful rhythm they have. 

Phil continues, moving down Dan's body, trailing hot kisses with him. His tongue drags across Dan's nipple, and Dan can't stop the whimper that escapes his mouth. But Phil doesn't stop, just keeps going, his mouth never leaving Dan's skin. He sucks marks across his chest and around his hips, biting down softly and soothing over the area with his tongue. He knows what makes Dan squirm, and he takes advantage of that to the fullest. 

"Phil." Dan whines, lifting his hips again, so that Phil can slide his jeans off of him. He doesn't care how vulnerable he is, how wrecked and needy he sounds, he wants this so bad it's starting to hurt. He sits up, grabbing Phil's now bare shoulders and kissing him, moving himself so that he's sitting in Phil's lap, and he can't stop his hips from grinding down. He shivers when Phil clutches his back, pulling him along so that they're both moving against each other.

And it goes on. Clothes being lost one by one, each piece of skin that's revealed being claimed and sometimes marked by the other. Dan has a thing for being marked, likes staring at the proof of all the things that are done to him. And Phil doesn't disappoint. 

Afterwards, laying languidly next to each other half covered by the sheets, that's when things change. A small change, but nonetheless. 

Phil moves closer, tracing his fingers gently across Dan's stomach and chest, barely a whisper of a touch. He slowly places his hand on Dan's skin, as if asking for permission, and when Dan doesn't stop him, he buries his head into the crook of Dan's neck. His arm is thrown across Dan's front, and their legs are touching. 

Cuddling. They've never done that before, not that Dan is an asshole who immediately rejects intimate touching, they just never seem to think about it in the aftermath. And this is nice. Dan likes the warmth of Phil against him, in a non-sexual way, and he can feel his breathing across his neck, and it doesn't feel bad. 

No, he can get used to this. 

\--Cafuné (n.) - running your fingers through the hair of someone you love--

Dan has always been sort of a night owl, preferring to stay up till the early hours of the morning. He finds that the quiet moment between midnight and dawn are the most profitable, giving him peace to do as he pleases. 

But now it's different. It's half past one in the morning, and this may usually be the time he lounges in the living room, binge watching Netflix, but no. He is laying in bed, and Phil is draped across him, nuzzling against his shoulder lazily. They haven't done anything much more than kissing, and Dan is surprised that the itch has been sated for now, not clawing at him from the inside and demanding another person. He's content with just laying here. 

His fingers are carding softly through Phil's hair, finding some kind of relaxation in the small action. He knows Phil likes it too, he never seems fully content without it. 

And Dan's been thinking. About everything and nothing, but mostly about Phil. 

Where are they going with this? Dan has never done this before, never had a friend with benefits, a lover, whatever they call it these days. Are they just sex? No, this isn't sex, right now. This is comfort. But what does that mean?

He's confused about it all. For one thing, he likes Phil. In many different ways, more than he can ever remember liking someone. He is everything; someone he can talk to and confide, someone he can just hang out with for no real reason other than to kill time, someone he can use to satisfy the craving in his stomach when it gets too much to handle. And Phil never complains, never pushes Dan away and never questions his motives. 

And what does Dan want? He wants to keep whatever they have, because it's amazing, but sometimes it doesn't feel like enough. They could be more together, so much so. 

But a relationship? Dan has never been good with those. He is always wary about getting close to people, because in the past, it has never ended well. He's had his heart broken. He's been through rough times, and he doesn't want to go back to that. 

But he can't stop himself from thinking Phil is so different. He knows it. Phil would never do anything like that to Dan, would never hurt him. But isn't that what always happens? The naïve, innocent guy falls head over heels for the 'perfect' most handsome person, and trusts them completely, only to get broken down in every possible way. Dan has a right to be nervous. 

"I think." Phil mutters, breaking the silence that had been previously inhabiting them. "I think we need to stop this."

Dan stops his stroking, staring up at his ceiling blankly. "Stop what?" 

"You know what." Phil says, and Dan does know. "This, whatever this is between us. It's just..." He sighs and pulls away from Dan's hold to sit up, facing away from Dan. He still has his shirt on, whereas Dan is bare chested. "I don't know what this is to you, if I'm just a quick fuck every now and then. But I keep getting my hopes up. I've actually come to really like you, and this, the spontaneous sex and making out, is starting to wear me down. I want you to think of me as more than just some fuck buddy, I want to... at least have a decent friendship. I don't know, maybe I'm being silly." He runs his hands over his face tiredly, still not looking at Dan. 

And Dan. Well, he doesn't really know what to say to all of that. He's never had someone say anything like that to him before. And it's kind of funny, because he was thinking something along those lines just a few minutes ago, but that doesn't mean he can just voice his own thoughts as well. Not without being very nervous of the outcome. He was anxious about starting a relationship at all, and this just kind of makes it worse. Because he knows that Phil feels sort of the same way now. What is he supposed to do with that?

"It's not silly." Dan says, sitting up as well and gently placing a hand on Phil's shoulder. Phil looks over at him timidly. "I get it. I get that it's not fair that you feel that way, and I keep taking advantage of it." He pauses, biting his lip. "I just... don't usually progress very far with other people. You're the closest I've been with someone for the past six years, and it's kind of scary that I like it."

"It doesn't have to be scary." Phil says, and Dan almost jumps when he grabs his hand, slowly tangling their fingers together. "I just.... fuck, okay, I'm just gonna say it. I'm falling in love with you."

Dan stops breathing for a split second, watching Phil silently. He's vaguely aware that he's squeezing Phil's hand a bit too tightly to be comfortable, but he's not in control of his own body enough to loosen his grip. 

Falling in love with him. To say it's unexpected would be an understatement. Dan is completely and utterly shocked, and he doesn't know what to say; how do you respond to something like that? Maybe he does have feelings for Phil, he can't lie about that. But he can't say he feels the same, he's nowhere near the idea of loving Phil. 

"I know." Phil whispers solemnly, not meeting Dan's gaze. "I'm stupid and pathetic, and I know that this relationship is only physical. You don't do 'feelings'. But I can't help it, okay?"

"I just..." Dan runs his fingers through his hair, his chest tight and his muscles tense. He doesn't know how to handle this. "I don't hate you or anything because of it, if that's what you think, I already told you you're close to me. And I don't want anything to be awkward because of this, I just..... have never had good experiences with long term relationships."

Phil looks up at him with a weak smile. "And there's nothing I could do to make you wanna try?"

He looks so worn down and broken, and it makes Dan think that maybe Phil's hasn't had the best experiences either. 

So why can't he try? Phil is something good in his life, there's no denying that. And he wants more, he wants to see everything that Phil can provide for him. He is different. So why can't Dan step out of his comfort zone and for once in the last few years and try something that makes him feel good?

He leans forward and kisses Phil tenderly, pushing him into his back gently and climbing on top of him. Their bodies align almost perfectly and Dan doesn't miss the small spark the flies through his stomach. He pulls away after a second and presses their foreheads together. 

"I want to try." He says, almost smiling when Phil stares up at him in shock; he's insanely adorable. 

"You don't have to, Dan." Phil protests lightly. "I don't want to pressure you or anything. We can keep doing this, it's enough-"

"I want to." Dan cuts him off. He kisses him again quickly, and grins, because he feels light and happy and it's because of this. It's not just sex now, it's a solid thing between them. And he wants it just as much as anything else. 

Phil grabs his face and presses their lips together firmly, tilting his head and teasing his tongue against Dan's lips. He flips them so that now he's on top, and Dan goes along willingly, letting Phil take control like he always does. 

And it's so much different than before; Dan can feel the passion and emotion that Phil is giving him, and he takes it with ease, and he finds that he is craving it just as much as he would any other time. It has a meaning now, and maybe Dan doesn't know what it is yet, but he's damn well willing to figure it out. 

\--Serein (n.) - the fine, light rain that falls from a clear sky at sunset or in the early hours of the night; evening serenity--

It's been raining for the last two weeks, but that's not what has Dan in such a bad mood. The stormy weather doesn't bother him in the slightest; in fact, it was usually a visual representation of how he was feeling. And today is no different. 

It's just after five, but the sky is dark and cloudy, and from where Dan is sitting and watching the street out of the window next to him, the wind isn't too gentle either. 

He feels sort of numb, empty and not able to do anything to fix it. He's perfectly complacent just sitting by this window and watching cars pass by below him. No one can stop him right now, because he is alone, and suddenly, that word takes on a much deeper and depressing meaning. 

Alone. 

Just as he is slipping into the back of his mind, wanting to leave his corporeal form and do away with this moment in his life, the front door opens with a bang, and he is brought back to reality. He turns his head slowly and watches as Phil stumbles through the door, slightly damp and carrying a few bags, dumping them on the counter with a sigh. 

"I got some of that weird stuff you like so much." Phil says, beginning to put things away in the fridge and cupboards. "They were having a sale, so I thought you'd want to take advantage of that."

Dan remains silent. He doesn't think that Phil even knows he's in the living room, he hasn't looked at him once. And he's always been a very one-track mind kind of person anyway. 

"I called you, like, twelve times, it went straight to voicemail." Phil continues, eyeing the back of a tub of yogurt concernedly. 

Dan turns back to the window, closing his eyes and pressing his forehead to the cold glass. He listens as Phil continues rambling about everything that happened on the twenty minute trip to the grocery shop, but he doesn't process the words, too out of it to pay attention. 

There's a small part of him that wants to be alone, to wallow in his own pity and sadness. Not even Phil's bright personality can cheer him up, and that's a big deal. But he also knows that, if he were to ask Phil to leave, he would, and Dan doesn't want to be alone anymore than he already feels. 

"....the cashier was trying to get me to pay extra just cause I accidentally-" Phil says, but Dan interrupts him. 

"Phil." He says, barely a whisper, but Phil still pauses in his talking. 

"Oh, I didn't even see you there." And then he seems to realize that Dan isn't exactly in the best mood, because there are footsteps heading in his direction and then a light touch to his shoulder. "Is everything alright?" He asks carefully, and Dan only shakes his head, a silent no. Phil sits  
next to him by the window. 

"My parents are getting a divorce." 

The news sits heavily in the air between them, a cloud of broken dreams and loose ends. Dan still has his eyes closed but they're burning, tears slipping through the barrier and tracking down his face. Not so unlike the weather outside. Why is he only crying now? He's been holding it together since he got the call, but it seems that admitting it out loud makes it so much more emotional. 

"I'm sorry." Phil says sincerely. Dan glances over at him for a second and laughs weakly, dragging his hands across his face. 

"Why should you be? It's nothing to do with you." He says. "I mean, you've never even met them, yeah?"

"Don't do that, Dan." Phil replies firmly. "I just wanna be supportive."

Dan sniffs and nods. It's a defense mechanism he acquired in high school, lashing out a people when he doesn't know what to do. But Phil doesn't deserve that. "I shouldn't even be so broken up about it, I'm to old for that."

"You're allowed to feel something about it." Phil says gently, placing a hand on Dan's knee. "Trust me. Burying it under everything else and pretending to be okay is not a good idea. It'll just make things worse."

There's a small noise, a soft patter patter, and Dan looks out the window to see it has begun raining once again, a light shower that's meant for spring days, not this cold winter night. But it seems almost serene, and Dan feels the smallest amount of comfort from it. 

"They've been together since before I was born." Dan says. He presses his hand against the glass of the window and keeps his eyes outside. "How do you just throw something like that away? What happened to them?"

"Sometimes," Phil says slowly, almost cautiously, like he's trying to word his sentence the best way possible without touching a nerve. Dan waits for his response, staring at the purple sky and quietly wishing he was someone else, someone who didn't have to deal with this. Phil tangles their fingers together tightly and squeezes. 

"Sometimes people just fall out of love."

\--Aspectabund (adj.) - letting or being able to let expressive emotion show easily through ones face and eyes--

"I just don't like the way he looks at you sometimes." Phil says haughtily, slipping his arms out of his coat and setting it over the back of the couch. Dan sighs heavily, honestly irritated that they're having this conversation again. 

"And what, you think I'm gonna sleep with him or something, cause he looks at me?" He asks sarcastically, and Phil scoffs at him. 

He's thought it was cute at first, how protective his boyfriend was about every person that talked to Dan, the pour on his lips when Dan laughed at his accusations. But it had started happening a lot lately, and tonight, at a dinner they had attended for Dan's job, Phil had been grouchy about one of Dan's co workers being too friendly. It wasn't the first time either, and it was starting to get old. 

"That's not it." Phil argues. "You honestly don't think that golden wristwatch he got you for Christmas is a bit too flashy? He tries way too hard to get your attention, and it's getting way too serious for me."

"Well it's not about you, Phil." Dan says, turning and heading towards their room while loosening his tie. Phil follows right after him. 

"And how the hell is it not about me?" He yells with wide eyes, not believing that Dan is being so blind about it. "I'm your boyfriend, and I don't want him all over you like that."

"And you have the right to tell me what to do now?" Dan questions angrily. 

"The least you could do is tell him to back off."

"So what if he has a... crush on me, or whatever. That doesn't mean I'm going to act on it."

"Oh yeah, cause you're such a virgin, right?"

And those words strike him deep. He turns and glares at Phil, dropping his jacket to the floor. "What the hell is that supposed to mean?" He says scarily quiet. He can see clearly the anger and worry in those blue eyes, but just below all of that there is sadness and the smallest bit of fear. He feels kind of bad for arguing about this in the first place, but Phil has crossed the line with it. 

"It's only been two months, Dan." Phil answers through his teeth. "I'm sure you remember you're usual routine before you met me. All the bars and clubs you visited, I bet you can't even count the number of guys who you've taken home and let-"

"You don't have the fucking right to say that to me." Dan growls, stepping closer to Phil. "You don't know anything about that."

"Oh, I don't?" Phil questions. "You were empty. You were so lonely and aching that you felt the only thing you could do to feel something was to let strangers into your bed. People who didn't give a shit about you except how loud they could make you scream."

Dan's hands start trembling with every word that falls from Phil's lips and he can't stop them. He clenches his jaw, but doesn't say anything, let's the syllables cut into him like needles. 

"But it was never enough, and you had to keep doing it, right? You just couldn't help yourself. And I'm sorry, but you can't blame me for thinking about all that every time he looks at you."

"What's wrong with you?" Dan whispers shakily. "That has nothing to do with us."

"Doesn't it?" Phil says just as quietly. "Dan, we wouldn't have even met if it wasn't for that. If you hadn't been trying to pick up that guy and his boyfriend punched you in the face." He laughs humorlessly. "And you only wanted sex from me in the beginning, remember?"

Of course he remembers. He thinks about it often, how far they have progressed in their relationship and the amount of date that went in to to letting them meet. If Dan had been too much of a coward to stand up to that guy, if he hadn't even went out that night, he wouldn't even know who Phil was. 

And that's exactly the reason he would never want to fuck this up. He has put all of his trust into this, pushed all of his doubts and insecurities to the back of his mind to be with Phil. Because they met purely by chance and it would be such a waste if Dan did anything that would compromise it. 

"That was a long time ago." Dan says. He reaches out and pushes Phil's hair back from it had fallen into his eyes. "You have to know that, I'm nothing like that anymore."

Phil nods slowly. "I just wanted you to tell him to stop." He says in small voice, shrugging. Dan takes a deep breath. 

"Okay." He agrees, pulling Phil closer and hugging him tightly, burying his nose into Phil's shoulder. "I'll tell him. I just don't want to fight with you."

Phil giggles into his shirt, making Dan smile. "Thank you."

"No problem."

Phil pulls away from him, touching their foreheads together and smiling apologetically. "I shouldn't have said those things to you. It was out of line, and I know it doesn't matter. I'm sorry."

Dan kisses his cheek. "Let's just put it behind us. Move on and all that."

Phil bites his lip and hesitates, but nods after a moment. 

And for the moment, they forget about it. 

\--Tacenda (n.) - things better left unsaid; matters to be passed over in silence--

It's on their five month anniversary that things go a bit sideways. 

Dan has grown so close to Phil that he honestly can't imagine his life without him. He doesn't remember the time when he was so lonely it hurt his chest, and the despairing feeling that he would never find someone to keep him going. But Phil is everything to him, and more. 

And this is a special night for them, at least, Dan thinks so. Five months together, that has to mean something. He wants it to be special, and so he makes reservations at a fancy Italian restaurant that Phil always raves about, but doesn't say anything about it; he wants it to be surprise. 

But when the night arrives, Dan can't help but notice that the air between them is... awkward. They're dressed up, and Phil smiles at him every now and then, but it seems forced and stiff. The conversation is cringe worthy and Dan starts to panic. Did he do something wrong? Is this too much and he's moving too fast? He doesn't want this to end horribly, but he doesn't know what to do about it. 

After they've been seated and Phil keeps staring down at the table, Dan speaks up, not able to help the hitch of concern in his voice. 

"Are you okay?" He asks softly. Phil looks up at him in surprise and pulls a half smile that doesn't reach his eyes. 

"I'm fine. Why?"

"You just seem a little out of it. Is this alright, this whole date thing? Sorry if it's too much."

Phil shakes his head quickly. "No, no it's fine, Dan. It's not too much, it's great. I just have a lot on my mind." 

Dan accepts it, but doesn't believe him. Phil has always been very outspoken and he never keeps things from Dan. There's something wrong, something big and if Phil can't trust Dan with it, then he has a right to worry about it. But he's not going to push, not right now. 

They eat mostly in silence; every time Dan tries to start a conversation, Phil shuts him down with one word answers and unintelligible noises. He stops trying after a while and settles with pushing his food around his plate and thinking of anything that could have gone wrong in the last few days to make Phil act like this. But nothing comes to mind and it's starting to eat at him.

He feels bad now and he doesn't even know what he's done. He thought this night would be amazing for the both of them, but instead it's gone to hell in the worst way possible. 

Thankfully, the night ends rather quickly, with Dan and Phil heading home just after eleven. And Dan really can't stand the way Phil is fiddling with his fingers in his lap anxiously, because he knows there is something important and serious going on with him, but Phil won't tell him. 

"What the hell is going on with you?" He asks as soon as they walk through the front door. He's trying to keep calm, but he's never been very good at that. 

"What do you mean?" Phil says blankly, and goddammit, he still won't look Dan in the eye. He's taking off his suit jacket slowly and turning to the closet to hang it up properly. 

"I mean, this entire night, you've been acting strange." Dan explains. "You haven't spoken more than five words to me, you keep fidgeting, and even right now you won't look at me. I know something is wrong, so why won't you just tell me?"

Phil shakes his head. "I don't think I wanna talk about it yet." 

"I'm just kind of freaking out." Dan says with a laugh that sounds fake even to himself, resting his hands on Phil's shoulders comfortingly. "I don't like seeing you like this, and I can't help but think it has something to do with me."

"I kissed someone."

It takes Dan a drastically long time to fully understand what Phil has just said, and when he does, his hands drop back to his sides. Phil is looking down at his shoes, waiting for Dan to say something. 

But he doesn't know what to say, because it's happening. In the beginning, when Dan was certain that they wouldn't be anything more than sex, he was scared about any kind of commitment. Scared of being hurt, of being lied to and torn apart by it. And Phil had promised him so wholeheartedly that he wasn't like that, and Dan had put his faith into those words. 

"Who?" The question slips out without him thinking about it, but he does want to know. Who the hell has Phil found so much more interesting that he's willing to break Dan's heart?

Phil looks up at him, on the verge of tears, but Dan doesn't feel bad about it. He brought this on himself, he doesn't have any reason to feel bad about it now.

"Someone I work with." He says in a trembling voice. "You don't know him."

"When?"

"A few days ago." And then he starts crying, silent tears wetting his cheeks. "I should have told you as soon as it happened, I know, but I didn't think you'd understand. I- I thought you'd just get mad and want to leave me, and it wasn't a big deal, I promise, Dan. It was only, like, two seconds and then I pushed him away, and I feel so horrible and guilty about it. Please don't be angry at me, it will never happen again, I swear."

Dan tugs his fingers through his hair and sighs, gives Phil a small smile that hurts his face. "I'm not mad."

Phil gives a sob of relief and throws his arms around Dan's neck, hugging him and shaking in his arms. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. It was nothing, I promise."

"It's okay."

But it's not okay; deep down in his chest, there's a twinge of hurt that Dan can't smother. Not too long ago, Phil had been accusing him of cheating, and the irony of this situation is almost hilarious. 

He doesn't know how much he trusts Phil now. 

\--Nouaturient (adj.) - desiring or seeking powerful change in one's life, behavior, or situation--

The words on his laptop screen have long ago lost his interest. Mostly due to the stifling heat in the room that he can't relieve, no matter how little clothes he wears or how many fans he situates around the place. 

Phil is sat across from him on the couch, scrolling through his phone, and their legs are tangled together despite how hot it is. It's comfortably silent between them. 

But Dan's head is all kinds of messed up. 

Phil's been lying to him. About all kinds of things, small and big, and sometimes Dan can't tell the difference from the truth. At first it was lying by omission, he wouldn't tell Dan about things that were sometimes very important. He'd waited two weeks to tell Dan that he'd lost his job, and when asked where he'd been going all day, he said he'd been looking for a new one. 

It was irritating and it made Dan feel like Phil didn't trust him. 

But things just got worse. He would lie to Dan's face without hesitation, and he didn't look troubled by it all until Dan called him out on it. He would beg and plead that he didn't mean to and that it would never happen again, but it was an endless spiral of lies. And Dan didn't know how much longer he could put up with it. 

And this was exactly why Dan didn't like being in serious relationships. Because things always ended up hopelessly broken, and he got hurt far beyond he was capable of handling. 

But the most fucked up part about it was he is too attached at this point. He's in love with Phil, so achingly enamored by him that he can't possibly just leave him. 

That doesn't stop him from wanting to. He doesn't want this, this twisted idea of a healthy relationship, because it is anything but. Phil is starting to be a bad idea, and Dan needs to cut that out of his life. But he is so terrified by the prospect of then being fully alone. He has the hope that maybe they can pull through this rough patch, and if not... well, he doesn't know what he'll do then. 

"Dan!"

Dan jumps back into reality, looking over at Phil who stares at him in concern. "Yeah?"

"I've been calling your name for, like, five minutes." Phil says, slightly amused. "You're staring at the wall like it killed your mum. What's up?"

Dan bites his lip and honestly debates whether he should bring up the situation or not. He doesn't want to cause the inevitable tension it will bring, because he doesn't want to cause any more problems than the ones they already have. But it's serious issue that Dan isn't okay with, and shouldn't be ignored.

"Nothing. I'm fine." Dan says, leaning his head on the back of the couch. "Just, trying to figure some stuff out."

"You sure?" Phil asks and Dan nods. 

"One hundred percent. It's nothing."

Phil smirks slightly, locks his phone and sets it on the table. Dan raises an eyebrow at him and nearly falls off the couch when one of Phil's foot starts to slowly drag across his inner thigh. "You look like you could use a distraction."

It's amazing that Phil can still make him laugh like that and turn him on at the same time. "It's way too hot for sex." He says in a pretty non convincing tone. 

Phil gets on to his knees and crawls towards Dan slowly, shutting the laptop he's still holding and setting it on the floor gently. He kisses Dan once, lingeringly, and gives him a wickedly innocent smile. "It's never too hot if you want it bad enough."

Dan rolls his eyes but doesn't stop Phil's hands as they slide down his bare chest, leaving trails of desire against his skin and making him sigh. There are lips kissing across his jaw and then down to his shoulders. 

This is familiar. This is something they've done so many times before, and Dan gladly accepts it, wanting something normal to hold on to. Phil's touch and his eagerness, and Dan's desperate need. 

Phil undoes the button of Dan's shorts, tugging them down as far as he can while still kissing his stomach, his teeth occasionally making Dan gasp as they bite into his skin softly. He kicks them all the way off and spreads his legs as Phil moves even lower, licking just below his navel teasingly. He tugs at the waistband of Dan's underwear insistently, tracing the outline of his erection through the fabric. Dan lifts his hips, wanting to relive the pressure that's building in his stomach. Why did his boyfriend have to be such a tease. 

"Do you want me?" Phil whispers against his hip, and Dan groans in frustration. 

"Is that even a fucking question right now?"

"I want to hear you say it."

"Yes." Dan breathes out heavily. "Yes, Phil please, I want you so badly."

Phil yanks down his underwear and immediately swallows him down, and Dan moans loudly, his fingers digging into the couch underneath him as his head falls back. 

And everything that Dan has been worrying himself sick about for the last month suddenly disappears. 

\--Anagapesis (n.) - no longer feeling any affection for someone you once loved--

It's one o'clock in the morning, and Dan hates himself. Phil is fast asleep beside him, curled into his side and breathing softly against his shoulder and Dan stared up at the dark ceiling. 

At some point in their time together, Dan has changed. Just a couple of months ago, he was happy and so in love with Phil; he had felt on top of the world. Back then, he couldn't think of anything that would be able to drag him down. 

But things were different now. Phil's smile doesn't affect him like it used to; it doesn't make his heart race and he feels no desire to smile with him. His touch isn't electrifying anymore, just dull and warm. His words don't mean anything. He is just like anybody else in the world... he doesn't have any meaning to Dan. 

And that is harsh and cruel, but that's what it is. Dan can't change it and he is sure Phil can't either. Not anymore. 

He isn't in love with him at the moment. 

Phil shifts, wrapping an arm around Dan's waist and nuzzling closer to him. Dan doesn't feel any affection at the movement like he would have before. 

Is Phil still in love with him? That's a question that he asks himself everyday. He says it all the time, those three little words that used to make Dan fill with pride. I love you. But do they have the same meaning anymore?

He feels like such a liar; sitting there day after day and smiling when Phil kissed him, laughing at his jokes, making love to him, even laying with him right now. Because he doesn't want it anymore. He can't trick himself into believing that Phil will change, that he will get better. He has lost the last thread of hope he was clinging to, and he is just empty now. 

***

Phil is gone when Dan wakes up. Part of him is relieved that he doesn't have to fake it this morning, and the other part is guilty that he feels that way. 

He sits on the couch for a good hour, wearing himself out with his own thoughts before he grabs his phone from the table in front of him and scrolls through his contacts. 

She answers on the fourth ring. "Hello?"

"Hi mum." He says calmly, tugging at his pants leg listlessly. 

"Daniel, hello sweetie." She says happily. "Is everything alright?"

He laughs. "Can't a son just call his mother to say hi?"

"Not my son." She responds. "He only calls when he needs something."

It wasn't exactly a lie. "I just wanted to ask you something. Something important." He pauses and raises a shaking hand to his face, rubbing his nose tiredly. 

"Well don't leave me in suspense." His mum says, making him smile like he hasn't in weeks. 

"How did you know you didn't love dad anymore?"

He closes his eyes and waits anxiously for her to answer. It probably wasn't such a good idea to ask something like that, reminding her of the bad things that she's gone through, but he doesn't know what to do and she's the only one he can think of. 

"Why do you wanna know something like that?" She says and Dan doesn't miss the catch in her voice. "Are you sure everything is alright with you?"

"I'm perfectly fine, mum, don't worry about it." He says and he can't even convince himself that that's true. "Just answer the question. Please? It's important."

She sighs into the phone and Dan thinks she might just shut him down and hang up, it's what he would do. 

But she takes another breath and says, "Well, it wasn't a sudden thing. It didn't happen overnight; but it was unexpected. We stopped communicating on certain levels, ways that we couldn't just fix. We barely had time for each other, and we started arguing about stupid things. Money and work and other people. And after a while, things stopped working completely. We couldn't stand to be in the same room with each other. And then I just realized I didn't have the same feelings for him as I used to."

Dan grabs a pillow from the couch and wraps an arm around it. "Did you guys ever try? Try to work things out?"

"Of course. We'd been together for so long, we thought it was just a rough patch that we would eventually get over. But it never worked out and we had no choice."

"But you just ended it? Wasn't it difficult?"

"Very." She says sincerely. "But neither of us was going to force ourselves to feel something that wasn't there anymore."

Dan nods even though she can't see him. Every single one of his thoughts has been solidified by this one phone call, and he's glad. 

"You're sure that you're okay, Dan?" His mum asks again. Dan bites his lip. 

"I don't know."

\--Recumbentibus (n.) - the knockout or ending blow, physical or verbal; the final winning argument--

Dan has taken his mothers words to heart, but he has yet to act on them. He knows that the best thing to do is to talk to Phil, explain his feelings and how he doesn't think this is working between them anymore. His life would be so much better off that way.

But Phil will smile at him, bright and happy, and Dan will tell himself that he'll do it tomorrow. Or Phil will push him down onto their bed and kiss him until he can't breathe, and Dan will just want to indulge himself one more time. 

It's a sick and twisted cycle they're going through, and Dan is such a coward sometimes. 

He doesn't know how to bring it up. 'I don't love you anymore, Phil, because you're a liar and you can't find the will to change that, but every time you kiss me, I just want to hold on a little bit longer'. 

But it seems he doesn't have to bring it up, because everything falls apart on a seemingly normal Thursday afternoon. He's in the kitchen, cracking eggs into a bowl when the phone rings from the hallway. He wipes his hands off and goes to answer it. 

"Hello?"

"Hi." A male voice says, not anyone Dan recognizes. "Is Phil there?"

"Not currently, no." Dan answers. "Can I take a message?"

"Yeah, I guess. Just tell him that Victor called. And that he left some of his toys over here."

Dan narrows his gaze at the wall in front of him, his heart jumping in his chest at those words. Toys? "Who is this?" He asks firmly. But the dial tone rings in his ear and his question is left unanswered. 

He hangs the phone up slowly. He doesn't want to jump to any conclusions, but his stomach is sick at the only reason someone would want to talk to Phil about 'toys'.  

And it's just his luck, isn't it, because then the door opens from a few feet beside him and Phil walks in, smiling when he sees Dan. Dan doesn't return it. 

"Hey." Phil says, shucking his coat off and hanging it up in the closet. "Sorry I'm late, there was this really important file that got lost and Evans wanted me to stay behind so everything was back in order."

"Who's Victor?" Dan jumps right into it; he doesn't feel like beating around the bush anymore.

Phil freezes for half a second, and if Dan hadn't been watching his every move, he probably wouldn't have even noticed it. But he's quick to plaster on a small smile and give Dan a curious look. 

"He's a, uh... a coworker. Why?"

He's so obviously lying, not looking at Dan at all, struggling to keep a straight face. Dan's chest hurts. 

"He just called. Said something about you leaving some toys at his place."

Phil clears his throat. "Oh. I don't know what he means by-"

"Phil." Dan cuts him off gently. "I just really need you to be completely honest with me about this. Are you cheating on me?"

"No." He answers immediately, but Dan sees his eyes flicking left and right and his fingers twitch. He's tense about it and Dan can see it so clearly. 

He sighs and runs his fingers through his hair roughly. "I'm so fucking tired of this." He mutters. "Why can't you just look me in the face and tell me the truth? Do you think I don't deserve it? That constantly lying about stupid stuff is the way relationships work? Because it's not, Phil. So can you please, stop being such an asshole and just tell me. Are you cheating on me?"

Phil looks down at his shoes, lacing his fingers together in front of him. Dan can hear him breathing shakily, full of nerves and worry. 

"It was just once."

Dan closes his eyes, he can't even look at the man in front of him. Once. As if the fact he hasn't done it again is supposed to make Dan feel any better. 

"I don't know what the hell is wrong with you," Dan says through his teeth, "but you need some kind of help. I can't keep doing this with you, Phil. It's not good for either of us and I think you know that." He turns and heads back to the kitchen, ignoring Phil as he follows closely behind. 

"Wait, Dan, you have to let me explain." Phil pleads, but Dan doesn't let him. 

"I don't have to let you do anything. All you do is lie and come up with excuses and I don't want that to be my life."

"It won't ever happen again. I promise, I won't lie-"

"How many times have you said that to me in the last month!" Dan says angrily, turning and glaring at Phil. 

"I can change."

Dan laughs without humor. "I've been telling myself that for so long. And I'm sorry, but I don't deserve this. I've done a lot of things in my life, and maybe I'm not the best person in the world. But this is killing me in so many ways."

Phil crosses his arms across his chest insecurely. "So you're breaking up with me?"

"What else am I supposed to do, Phil?" Dan says. "I'm not happy like this."

It's tense and awkward between them for a moment, the silence almost unbearable. But then Phil nods, smiling weakly and keeping his gaze to the floor. Dan feels bad that Phil won't even look at him now. But this is for the best, he has to remember that. They both need this, for different reasons and nothing can change that. 

"Can I... can I stay for tonight, at least?" Phil asks timidly. "So I can figure everything out? I won't even sleep on the couch, if you want."

Dan hesitates. But god, he would never be such a heartless jerk like that. So he agrees, ignoring the voice in the back of his head that is protesting the idea. 

And it's over. All the time they've spent together, the good and the bad and everything in between. And as much as he has been beating himself up about the whole thing, wanting to end it as soon as possible before it got out of hand, his stomach still clenches painfully at the thought that him and Phil won't ever be the same. 

"I'm so sorry, Dan." Phil says sympathetically. "I'm sorry we couldn't be what you wanted."

Dan shakes his head. "Me too."


End file.
